I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
