i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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