if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
