Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
