**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
