Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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