hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
