you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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