i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
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