I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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