it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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