My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
