as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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