Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
