I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
