At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
areolas are like halos for boobs.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
