Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
