pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
My ass is underappreciated
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
