wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize