Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
