these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
