There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
