in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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