I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
