He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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