He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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