Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
