hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
