I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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