What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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