Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I am naked and annoyed.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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