Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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