I cannot find my penis.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
not ubering you a puppy
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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