mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
