you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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