The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
