**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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