I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
