There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
