Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
