Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
