Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize