If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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