I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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