i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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