There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
