My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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