i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
