I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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