Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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