hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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