My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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