True but thats because hes a fetus.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Semen is not good for contacts.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
