I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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