Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
