You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
