I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
