We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
