i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm eating all of the evidence.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
