Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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