Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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