the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I think my vagina is haunted
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
