One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize